The People Have Spoken & They’re NOSY!
I recently polled the people who view my IG stories and asked what they’d like me to write about. The choices were: Parenting & Marriage, Business Ownership, Health & Wellness Practices (DUH, that’s a given!), or ALLADEM. (Say it out loud. C’mon, you can do it.)
It turns out, y’all want me to talk about errrthang! Nosy… 👀
Okay, fair enough.
It’s worth noting that I’m not really a talking head, although I’d like to work myself into that one day. I rarely post video of myself just … talking. It’s been a few years since that was more my speed, but I’m just not called to do that at this juncture in my life.
I’m old school in that I prefer to write out my thoughts as opposed to voicing them on video. Although, I saw a thread the other day about voice note journaling and I’m intrigued.
Don’t get me wrong, I actually do speak to the camera if there’s a paycheck dangling in front of me!
There’s a certain slowness that I feel is required to sit down and write. It’s a unique space to be in against the fast pace grain of life.
Let’s get into it….
Surviving the Transition: How to Maintain a Strong Marriage After Becoming Parents
Deep breaths. Let's talk about marriage when babies enter the picture. Whew 😮💨 …
Sure, becoming parents can shake things up. But did you know it could blow your whole sh*t up, too? Think about it, you're exhausted, intimacy takes a backseat, and suddenly you're arguing about who knows what, at a time when both your asses would LOVE to be asleep!
I called those “night fights.” Side note: I’m so thankful for the handful of mom friends I could message (at literally any hour of the day) just to be like, “can you believe this shit?!”
I want to be honest here. Me and my husband were not good. We weren’t in a good place with each other for a very long time, postpartum. BTW #postpartumis4lyfe. Yo granny is postpartum.
At about 8 months PP, I hit a wall. Being the primary care taker at home by myself, with little to no help, trying to keep my business afloat, a partner who worked out of home and could not meet me where I needed emotionally, and feeling like I could not rely on the community who promised to be there for us — all came to a head. The dysregulation was dysregulating.
Thoughts of divorce were never more loud.
We brought it up a few times, both knowing that it’d likely not be the end result, but the emotions were there. Someone just needed to light the match.
Never have I ever… felt more alone, isolated, anxious, overstimulated, and downright miserable. I kept grinding. It became all I could do. Just survive another day. Keep the peace and keep it moving.
But after a while, I had to change the game or I would lose my entire mind in this marriage. This is NOT what I or we signed up for. Even my therapist was tired of me complaining!
So, I packed up me and my baby and flew to Chicago to stay with family for what ended up being 5 weeks. Space was necessary. I needed to be loved up on and poured into. I needed to be cared for. I needed to be prayed for. I needed to be fed. And my child needed to be embraced by my family. My aunt and uncle and two cousins did just that for me.
Fast forward to Christmas 2023. I won’t say that we came back home and everything was perfect. No. BUT, that was a NECESSARY disruption from our norm that needed to occur in order to alter the trajectory of our path.
My husband and I had ongoing conversations that allowed us to bring up any issues that we’d been harboring. We had to say every and all things that were NOT being said. For us, it wouldn’t have made sense to move forward unless we did so. We were starting to heal and progress forward together.
The new year brought even more change. A new job for my husband and a new opportunity to expand his leadership and communication skills. Even going so far as putting himself into a personal development / relationship course online.
As our child grew and gained a little more independence (though, not much!), things got a touch easier for me too - in some ways. I could begin to breathe again.
Cut to present day. MY light at the end of MY tunnel is finally here. We’ve got a brilliant 2 year old in a great Montessori school nearby, and we are blessed. Connection and intimacy is an ongoing … project. Like, really. It’s a group project and you never wanna be the one who’s not pulling your weight.
With all that being said!! If you’re still here, I've got some tips: TALK it out. Make time to check in with each other. How're you feeling? What's bugging you? Get it all out there before it turns into resentment. Try these:
Team work makes the dream work. Split those baby duties fairly. Key word: EQUITABLE!
Keep the spark alive! Even if it's just a quick smooch or holding hands while binge-watching your favorite show after baby's bedtime.
Weekly marriage check-ins (sounds formal, but it 100% helps!)
Show some love daily (a hug, a compliment, whatever works for you)
Date nights! Even if it's just takeout and Netflix after kiddo's asleep
Set some boundaries. Yes, baby needs you, but so does your partner!
Say "thanks" more often. Appreciation goes a long way when you're both exhausted.
Get help. That’s all I’mma say. (If you can set up your help in advance… you’re golden)
Gratitude check-in. Tell your partner one thing you're thankful for about them each day.
Connect with other parents or a therapist. Sometimes you just need to hear "me too!"
To that point, be MINDFUL of WHO you share yourself with, not everyone has your back that you might think does.
That’s all for now.
-Coach Nan
